Young Kids Aren't As Selfish As People Like to Think

      This Christmas season has been different for me. I have such a natural joy in my soul. Honestly. I’m not trying to be a cheeseball. It’s like my perspective of the whole holiday has broadened. My thoughts aren’t so narrow and selfish as they used to be. Though, I have a long way to go still.

     I’m attributing these changes in me to my children. Having three people become the priority in your life over yourself in every way is a challenge but it has the potential to create beautiful change. I hope that’s what it does for me, anyway. Even being married is a learned prioritization of another over yourself. You have to make yourself do it. It's not like that for me with my kids. I wear myself ragged trying to do and be everything for them. Something about having children, at least for me, is absolutely humbling (in the most vividly real meaning of the word) and I doubt I'm the only one to feel that way. I can visualize all of the potential on the paths at their small feet.

     At the same time, I see the inborn ills of humanity in my children. I see greed and vanity and selfishness during this holiday season. As their mother, I realize my whole life purpose now is to guide these small loves of mine to compassion, love, and selflessness. I can’t show these things without learning them myself and all of this is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever needed to do.

     I see my sweet, spirited Bitty Bug gazing at all the stuff in the catalogs and in the store. “I want . . . I want . . . I want. . .”. I don’t think there is anything wrong with simply wanting things. At just three years old, she is still so innocent and unaware. She just sees these dazzling ads, beautiful dolls, and fun toys and she just inherently has the urge to possess it all. I think there is a problem though when you become unfoundedly entitled, envious, or obsessed with getting more and more. This is fueled early and easily in our society. We are surrounded with consumerism and greed. We let it take us over. I want an alternative experience for my kids but I want balance too. I don’t want to cut out gift giving or go straight to homemade-only presents (honestly, that would be much more work on my part, right now!) I just want to start curbing these gut reactions in my Bitty Bug.

    So, we decided to have our little daughters (Bitty Bug, 3.5 and Sweet Pea, 2) pick out gifts for each other and their new baby pumpkin. I was thrilled with them. We explained to them on that shopping trip that we were “thinking about brother and sister” today and not ourselves. I took Bitty Bug with me and the hubster took Sweet Pea. I just kind of walked around the store and asked what she thought her sister would want or need. “What do you think her favorite color is?” and “Which one of this or this would she like better?” I wanted her to be focused on thinking of someone else. That’s a very big thing for a 3 year old to do! VERY big! She pointed out some things she wanted. She told me about all her dinosaurs (again). She initially wanted to get one thing for her sister but it was way over the little budget I gave her (5 dollars). Then, as we went down one more aisle, I noticed a little dress up purse and pointed it out to her. “What do you think of this?” and she gasped and exclaimed “Look! It’s pink! [Sweet Pea] has that one. It’s pink for her. I have a purple sparkle purse. I put all my crayons in it. [Sweet Pea] wants that one. Yeah.” I was delighted. Same thing for Pumpkin. She saw a wooden, rainbow stacking toy and decided “He will like those colors! He can play with me!”. I know I beamed with pride. It might seem like such a silly thing but she showed so much thought and she was so happy to pick those things out herself. Sweet Pea had picked out things for her sister and brother that I would’ve picked out myself. A little yellow car for Bitty Bug and a tiny stuffed monkey for Pumpkin. Bitty Bug LOVES hot wheels and she also likes the color yellow (second only to pink and purple and sparkles). I don’t know if my 2 year old is really that intuitive or if it’s a perfect coincidence. On Christmas day, I’ll have them give those gifts to each other instead of just putting them under the tree. We’ll definitely do the same thing next year.

     Although, I may be doing shopping the day before Christmas to keep things a surprise between them because Bitty Bug has told Sweet Pea about her pink, sparkly purse only 15 times now. Somehow it all goes right over Sweet Pea's head or she simply doesn’t hear it. Then again, when my sister and I bought each other Christmas presents we almost always ended up giving up hints and guessing what we got each other before Christmas morning!

Love Reading: Teaching Kids to Respect Literature

     I'm going to do a quick series of posts on one of my favorite things: books. I love books. I love old books. I love new books. I like paperbacks, hardbacks, and electronic books. I can't have too many. No one can have too many. It's just a matter of having enough space to keep them, of course.

So it'll go something like this and I'll start this post as the first of three:

#1. Teaching Kids to Respect Literature
#2. Printed Books vs. Electronic Books
#3. Reading Resources on a Budget

Here goes nothin':

    We have shelves and boxes full of books. We actually don't have enough space in our 900 sq ft apartment to keep all of our books on display. The three year old is certainly more aware now than ever of the importance of books but the almost-2-year old is still getting used to the idea that books aren't ready-to-make confetti. Most of our favorites are in storage. We have all sorts of things on the big shelf in our bedroom though. You'll find anything from nonfiction military history encyclopedias to Tolkien paperbacks to my 100 year old, worn out hymnals. If I was going to be a hoarder I'd be a book hoarder. Seriously. One day in a wonderful world I will have a house with a room designated just as our library with nothing but shelves full of books.

   Both my girls have been "reading" from a very young age. There hasn't been a time in their short lives they've been without a book to look at or have read to them. They love to get new books too. We happen to go to the kid's book section in Target far more often than the toy section. I'm thrilled when they get a new stack of them for their birthdays instead of tons of toys.

    Unlike many children across the world, ours here in America are afforded an incredible gift: access. There are several things that I've been taught that I try to teach my kids as well. I want them (and everyone else) to respect these now mass-produced, information-filled wonders. We seem to underestimate the value of books as we've gotten so used to the swift tap into google for information. I want my kids to understand the difference between literature and garbage. I want them to know the classics. I want them to develop thinking skills so they can determine truth and fact among piles of lore and lies. I want them to be intelligent critics of new or popular writing. I want them to be able to go into a library and access vast amounts of knowledge. I want them to comprehend the blessing that books truly are. Sadly, in this modernized, developed nation we do not reach our literacy potential. This is something we can start changing by teaching our kids the great value of literature, books, and reading.

All that said, do we actually understand the definition of literature? According to Merriam-Webster:

1. archaic: literary culture
2. the production of literary work especially as an occupation
3. a: (1) : writings in prose or verse; especially : writings having excellence of form or expression and expressing ideas of permanent or universal interest (2) : an example of such writings <what came out, though rarely literature, was always a roaring good story; b: the body of written works produced in a particular language, country, or age; c: the body of writings on a particular subject <scientific literature>; d : printed matter (as leaflets or circulars) <campaign literature>
4. the aggregate of a usually specified type of musical compositions

     I think the applicable definition in this case is 3a. This snippet in particular is what I have in mind: having excellence of form or expression and expressing ideas of permanent or universal interest.

      So, for starters we have some house rules regarding books. I think these are important to teach all kids, especially as this new generation is given so much more access to digital media and electronic versions of the books we've had sitting on shelves for years. Respecting literature really does start with respecting books. These are things I was taught as a child by my parents, through our frequent library visits, and by various individuals (strangers or family members) who maintained a love for literature themselves. Keep in mind these are guidelines for little kids. I certainly hope older children don't need to be taught some of this but who knows.

The Basics:

#1. Be gentle. Never throw, tear, bend, or bite a book. It's not a weapon. It's not for standing or stomping on. Turn pages carefully. Close it carefully before putting it away.

#2. Put it back. (This is a rule we treat loosely as we have many spots that stacks of books end up staying.) Don't leave it open. Don't leave it on the floor. Don't smash them onto the shelf. Carefully, line them up on the shelf where they belong so they don't get ruined and it's easy to find next time.

#3. Don't color on it. Don't mark on or scribble in any book. If you want to color get a clean piece of paper. The paper in books is not ours to decorate. (I usually suggest to my 3 year old that she would be very sad if someone colored on one of her drawings or in her notebook so she shouldn't color on these.)

#4. Keep it clean and dry. Pay attention to your hands. Don't flip through pages with sticky or dirty fingers. Keep your food and drinks away from it. Don't leave it in the bathroom or outside.


The Caveats:

#1. The youngest kids are going to experiment with EVERYTHING. It's built in: "what happens when I do . . . THIS?!" Hence, things are thrown, torn, bent, and bitten. This is why some genius decided to invent teether books and board books. They are way more durable for infants and toddlers. Slowly but surely they can be taught to treat books the right way. If you start with these you'll probably save yourself some effort and some money.

#2. Infants, toddlers and preschoolers aren't all that organized or coordinated yet. Expect them to cram books on top of each other and to subsequently throw them with a frustrated scream when they don't slide into place on the shelf. It seems like most kids can get a good handle on stacking books on shelves the correct way around 2 or 3 years. Before that and even beyond that, making stacks with them from biggest to smallest or having a shelf like this is a good alternative.

#3. Kiddos are creative, messy little people. They're GONNA color on books (and walls and furniture and themselves) and they are probably sticky, drooling, or dirty 90% of the time.

In the end, if you have a treasured antique or a favorite collection PUT IT AWAY. Don't just put it up high. That is considered a challenge in toddlerland. If you really, really don't want something getting messed up in some way as your sweet babes learn to respect books then put it in a box, in another box, in another box, with a lock, in a closet, in a land far away (give or take a few of those). Just make sure your expectations meet up with reality.

The Advanced:

#1. Read the author and illustrator names. In my humblest of opinions, books are works of art. They may also be scientific or historical fact in the case of non-fiction, encyclopedias, and the like. They are mass-produced, unique works of art. I wouldn't walk through the art museum ignoring the artist's names anymore than I'd read books without acknowledging the author and illustrator. I think it's important for kids to recognize books as art or in some cases more appropriately as scientific or historical publication.

#2. Be extra careful with library or borrowed books. This is a fun one. Library books are not OURS. We have to treat them the way we'd want people treating our OWN things. Very, very carefully. We are extra careful and "kind" to anything borrowed. Also important: return them on time.

#3. Remember: books are a privilege. This is probably harder to teach but it is an all-consuming concept when it comes to the importance of all these rules. Many people will never have the pleasure of owning or borrowing books if they are even able to read in the first place. It hasn't been very long since the first printing presses were invented and it's easy for us to forget the extraordinary reality of the myriad of books that sit available for us in the store.

      As N has gotten bigger I've started going a little further with these ideas. I have every intention of sharing these with all my kids. Who knows what media and literature will be like in a constitutional sense once she's an adult. Everything may be digitized and electronically filed by then. This makes it even more important, I think, to instill these things in her mind. No doubt once she's reading on her own and ready we'll be learning the Dewey Decimal System alongside practical research methods for the internet. If we think information is powerful now, imagine the difference between now and 20 years ago then amplify that into the future another 20 years. Crazy.

I'll share my thought about printed vs electronic books in the next post! 

Turning Everyday Chores Into Big Learning Opportunities

     My kids (3 and almost 2) love to learn. If circumstances allow us I hope to be able to homeschool them. There's a lot of emphasis on going to daycare/preschool/kindergarten for toddlers to pre-elementary kiddos these days. Whether you work at home or out, stay home part time or full time, use a sitter, or send them to an in-home or typical brick-and-mortar daycare one of the top priorities you probably have is giving your kids opportunities to learn. Not just to learn mundanely but to experience new things, discover their world, and to thrive while they do it!

   I know all sorts of parents. Single parents, married parents, military parents. SAHM, SAHD, WAHD, WAHM, WOHM, WOHD (do you know what all these mean??). There are parents who travel a lot for work. There are parents that have an in-home office. Some parents have flexible schedules and some have strict itineraries. I know that every single one of them wants this same thing for their babes: the best.

    This constant want for our kids is what drives us crazy, makes us feel guilty, and leaves us wondering if we did the right thing or did enough. It's why we've become obsessed with structured learning, book-work, and the-next-best-thing in education. There are some very easy, simple ways to incorporate learning into the every day. We just have to take advantage of these little opportunities.


#1. Just talk. Talk to your kids. No subject is too small or too big. Want them to learn a language? Talk to them. Want them to learn to read? Read with them. Talk to them about reading the books. I know when I take the opportunities to really communicate with my kids, hear their words, and use words they've yet to hear their little minds are blossoming. Suddenly, a week later they are bringing up some random conversation about how the traffic lights mean stop on red and go on green. They start to understand. That means they can start to share with me in turn their own ideas about all these things in the universe. They start to form questions.

#2. Kids are naturally curious, inquisitive little sponges just sitting there waiting to soak up every morsel available. You know all the things you just know because you do? There's a lint trap in the dryer. Our money is printed and/or minted and has inherent set value. Candles and crayons are both made of wax. Gravity makes us fall and keeps us from floating away. Light bulbs were invented by ________. Yeah, we've all ready learned. We know the answers. Kids have no idea. It's why they are so busy. It's why they test things. It's why they pick at, poke, and bang on things. They are little scientists making observations! They are so eager to know what we know and they will go about making discoveries in their own special ways.

#3. Watch them. Observe them for a while. See what makes them tick. What brings that sparkle to their eye and the light into their face?

    Take these things: communication, their natural sponge-likeness, and your observations and go with it. There are some things nearly every parent, no matter their situation, can do to incorporate opportunities for learning into the blah, every day, normal activities. These opportunities are easy to miss. I get so involved in just getting things done around the house sometimes that rather than involving the kids I just do my best not to trip over them. If they are kept involved while I'm doing a chore then they 1) are doing something productive by learning how to clean, 2) are getting quality time with me and 3) aren't somewhere else making another mess or meddling.

Before I go further let me just say: I get 100% that sometimes we just need to get things done without being slowed by sweet little helpers. ;) Sometimes we need quiet, we just need space, or we need them to PLAY ALONE in their rooms without mama or daddy or the TV entertaining them. Sometimes we do want the TV to entertain them for a half-second so for that precious half-second we can feel like we're ahead a bit. No doubt. But, that's not always the case.

Like I was saying, it's simple to turn every day things into grand opportunities to learn. Here are my favorite ways to do this with my kids with every day chores:

- You're vacuuming. In whatever words, explain how it works. Talk about pushing and pulling. Talk about how to get around and under furniture. With hardly any effort you've incorporated a great lesson on spatial concepts. This also works well as you teach them to clean up their room by looking behind the bed for toys, putting the books vertically on the shelf, and picking the blocks up and in the right bin.

- You're switching out the loads of laundry. This is another easy one for spatial concepts (in and out of the washer and dryer) but it's also great for sorting, searching, and counting. Dump that bottomless hamper of laundry on the floor and give your toddler or preschooler a task: find all the socks, find all the white (or whichever color) clothes, find all the clothes that belong to ____ (whichever person). This gets you a variety of lessons in recognition. Depending on their age(s) they can learn new item words and what those words go with (towels, shirts, pants, or socks). They can learn how to hone in their observation skills and assess a group of items for differences and similarities. They can learn colors in a way that gives them an idea of a range of shades and hues rather than just one basic bold color. (I just made sorting laundry with your kids sound fancy.)

- Take it a step further with that laundry. Have them count out 2, 3, 4 items at a time to bring to you to put in the washer. Have them help you switch the load over to the dryer counting all the way through the load whether it's 10 towels or 20 random pieces of clothing. Another thing you might try is talking about the color of every item. Make it a game of eye-spy. "Bring me something . . . green!" You're kids will be counting and learning about colors in a tangible way. 

- How about implementing some opposites while you do the dishes? Fill the cup. Empty it. Scrub the plate on the top and the bottom. This bowl fits inside the other: one is big and one is small. Turn the water on hot then on cold. Turn the water pressure up high or low. Dry the plate really fast or dry the plate really slow. Maybe some of your dishes are smooth and some have some sort of texture (rough, bumpy, etc). One that's a bit more advanced: some are opaque and some are transparent.

- You're sweeping. Instead of sweeping with the normal hurry-get-that-clean method try making shapes. We have one big broom and a slightly smaller broom (and we did have one that was actually from the toy section but it got broken . . . note to self: get another one) so the kids can "help" me. This might be something more for the older kids when it goes beyond a large circle but you can have them "draw" shapes on the floor with the broom. Make a copy-cat game of it. If you happen to have large tile trace the squares.

- OR, If you have a large enough space you could turn all this into a red-light/green-light style game. (Again, this may be more apt for the older ones.) Start at one end of the room and assign each kid a "spot" near the other end to sweep as much junk into as they can (you could even mark the spot with painter's tape). "Sweep!" and "Freeze!" If they don't freeze in time then back to the beginning. If they leave a large dust bunny or a trail of cheerios behind it's back to the starting line. All of this is a combined exercise in observation, coordination, and self-control. There are some other ways you could go about doing this. For younger ones, choose a general corner area and/or make a line with that tape. Encourage them to look under and around any furniture for trash to clean up. Show them how to manipulate the broom and make small strokes.

Bonus: your kids are learning to CLEAN. There are way too many people in the modern world who have no clue where to start when it comes to cleaning or picking up after themselves. Starting really early and making it fun is an easy way to make a habit of it. One day even if they choose to be slobs (like me) at least you know you've done your due diligence making sure they have the skills necessary to finish a load of laundry, hand wash dishes, or to tell the difference between dish soap and detergent. ;)


     You may all ready be doing these sorts of things and not even realize it. Keep it up. If you have other ideas like these I'd love to hear them!